You would have to be dead or one of the undead not to have noticed that vampires have caught the imagination of the fashion starved youth. It all started when Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Christian Slater became vampires hunks in the Vampire Diaries, set in New Orleans before it all got washed away in hurricane Katrina. Next came the Twilight Saga which had every female under 30 fighting for who was the hottest hunk on the show. And then we were all deluged with the plethora of television copy cats. Some reasonably good, some are like "whatever."
The question is; how do you as an average guy get some of that vampire hottie action? First of all forget about the sun. Vampires do not like the sun, so a warm glowing surfer's tan will do nothing for you even if you are one of the lost boys. You need to be pale, like unbaked white bread, and you need to look muscular and a bit sickly at the same time.
No self-respecting vampire is going to be on an infomercial selling a juice machine or the newest exercise contraption even if these shows only come on after midnight. You need to look like you are desperate for the taste of virgin blood. That is not so hard to do because if you are looking for virgin blood that is legal (over the age of eighteen) you will be very hard pressed to find any at all. Now that you have that pale pallor and that forlorn look, you are half way there.
The next thing is your clothes. Vampires have a range of clothing options. Because they are stuck on earth forever, they are less influenced by the current fashion trends and are often seen wearing clothes that were in fashion say a couple hundred years ago. They used to wear capes, but capes are no longer in fashion unless you are superman. They do pay close attention to dental hygiene and are always able to offer that perfect lecherous smile. If your teeth are golden brown it is time to pick up some whitening strips. Nobody likes a vampire with bad front teeth.
If you have the correct white skin pallor, then you can wear almost any kind of fashionable clothes, preferably black, and still have your vampire look going on. And if you think that vampire fashion is a joke, then you may miss the chance to hook up with that super hot female you see at the nightclub wearing dark blood red lipstick who seems to continuously lick her lips for no apparent reason. Vampire fashion for men is probably almost over, especially since the hottest movies have been made into parodies. But you never know who you might bump into during the middle of the night of weekend long partying. So if you happen to encounter a vampire female tell her you "pricked" your finger and ask her if she wants to kiss it to make it better.
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Tuesday, November 4, 2008
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